A Time Traveler’s Path to Finding Fulfilment
I’m going to let you in on a secret. I’m a time traveler. Yep. A time traveler!
I’m not sure if this was something I had always been able to do or if the ability was something that is recent in my development. I know for sure this ability began noticeably manifesting near the end of 2019. It’s not unusual to manifest new intriguing talents and sometimes surprising abilities as you mature and grow older. As I am practicing on learning to guide and steer myself I’ve come to find that time traveling is not too difficult at all. I think that I am becoming really good at it.
At first, I would travel involuntarily without immediately noticing. There were signals and symptoms of course in my body and attitude. It would occur most often due to reminders of my own history or activated by specific sensory information such as random sights, sounds or even smells. I would become involuntarily inspired to return to that time and place of an intense memory. However, I would also return to every time and place throughout my history related to that original sensory push. Then I would simply return back again. You could imagine how jarring that was before I caught onto what was happening. Although, traveling is often still occurring without command now navigating the journey has become easier and I’ve been enjoying more of my travels.
Amnesia is a common side effect of time traveling. It doesn’t occur every time but it happens enough that it can make my life uh…exciting! Upon my return if there is detailed memory of the trip they are broken episodes and moments scattered insanely throughout my mind without any known date or placement in a sequential order. Due to the nature of the profound similarities around multiple timelines and these experiences; in my recall the people, places, things or crumbs of plots can become misplaced or swapped altogether.
Even more difficult is recognizing that many of these timelines are absolutely legitimate and others that I had no memory of before only now exist because I made them so. I don’t always know for sure which reality I am visiting or if I have returned home. Puzzling the pieces back together can be a hard task but I’ve begun to learn how to sort through much more efficiently.
“There is something more profound than the love for being alive for the sake of existing. There is a desire and craving to be for a reason. We also need to have purpose.”
It is fair to experience so much forgetting after instantaneously shattering into microscopic nuggets of complex organic matter and chemicals. The tattered shards of your being ripped up and reconstituted in another time and place. Those long blackouts in between trips are a headache! It’s always great orange fire storms, space dust, gleaming stars, nothingness, impossibly colorful wonders, creation and death. It’s terrifying and beautiful. Death always comes in the end. Death is typically how it all starts as well. It is in this supernatural void where I lose the details of where or when I’ve been.
Finding peace with the inevitably of your own unaliveness is not an easy task although a sensible and rewarding path. Much of the human experience I’ve come to learn is living in a state of constant denial and alarm around the swiftness and permanence of death. It may feel like we lose ourselves in grieving. We instinctively fear to lose everything that we love most. Death can feel looming and threatening as nothing that lives ever survives. We sweat silently anxious that what we create and hold close will eventually be stolen away in the night. That one day it will be our own breath fading. We behave in fascinating and unpredictable ways in this inevitability.
It’s a unique experience to feel that you are facing death or to know that you are dying and about to die. It is significant to survive when you were not prepared to. When everything signed that you were not supposed to. That stroke of luck, that divine intervention! There is transformation in being forced to accept death with pride and dignity and then given the opportunity to recover and restore. It is a gift, a miracle, to return to what you already had. It’s the universe shaking a finger at you to remind you why you are here when we stop paying attention.
You recognize how precious and delicious life can be. You know how you will feel in the end; every time you travel through the sequence between white outs, black outs — oblivion. When you see the glory of the beginning and end, you know how much you will miss the light and energy of aliveness. I do not truly know of death; I have only distantly taken a snapshot of the commanding vacuum, impartial and fair, transforming all light and matter.
It creates a sense of peaceful urgency. I know time traveling has taught me that I want to hold onto every single moment of this life as tight as I can. I want to wrap my fingers around every color, odor, unique shape and queer line featured in the tapestry. I want to own all of those moments for myself.
As uncertainty lies in wait I hope that I loved every second enough. I hope that when the time comes and when I’m looking back I am fulfilled. I don’t want to question or doubt and leave asking myself, perhaps I didn’t enjoy it enough. The sweet smell of rain, the bite of cold water on your skin, warmth of sunlight on a summer’s evening, the collective laughter of your best friends syncing together, the ecstasy of listening to your favorite song and all the times you held lovers in your arms. Hoping that you held them tight enough, long enough, fiercely as they deserved. When you reach the end even without regrets it’s hard not to wonder if you really loved all of it enough.
I am in love with this life and with being alive. I am in love with being free and alive. Is it possible to shove as much love and life into one lifetime and one timeline? What am I afraid of?
I travel to new timelines and places, I distance myself and find myself far away — unable to cram all the love and experience into any singularity. If there is excess and abundance in recycling through one singularity there must be incomprehensibly infinitely more in the multiplicities. This is to ask if the one singularity of death is understood as its own material existence — a consciousness.
Can we prolong its awareness of your own light and matter that it impartially intends to transform? Can we escape the singularity, if only in pieces and fragments? Where do those fragments and pieces go if they are outside of/waiting between this consciousness? If that cannot be defined as a life, it surely can be described as a humbling and content existence.
What do we do now that we are here? What do we do in this new time? How do we put ourselves back together again? In this experience you learn to live and view life differently. While traveling around the timelines I discovered another secret. There is something more profound than the love for being alive for the sake of existing. There is a desire and craving to be for a reason.
We also need to have purpose.
What is the meaning of our lives? What is the sum of our existence? What drives us? What gets us out of bed in the morning? What is this all for? For what are you most grateful? What have I left behind? Who will remember me? How will I be remembered? Did I love and was I loved?
I am embracing the inevitability of death and the uncertainty of when because in my travels; I discovered one constant — love. Love is infinite.
It’s what makes us fear missing the rain, the laughter, the birds, the Sun, the sky and the moon. It’s what makes us miss our friends, family, peers and important connections. It what makes us fear leaving behind others, being left behind and forgotten and it exists in all things. We eagerly fight to stay alive for love. Love is what pulls us back to life, to live again. It is the reason some find that a contented existence is never enough alone.
If we are love and love is infinite we must be immeasurably powerful, cosmic beings suspended in the chains of time. It must saturate every second. Every cell of every being must grip each moment with endless passion. We chase immortality in individual moments and this is how we capture life. In order to live forever — to keep the flame eternal — it must be stretched out across all of time and space as far as possible. Atom by atom, molecule by molecule, stitch by stitch from cosmic beginnings to proverbial endings.
Is this our deal humankind has made with the Universe? For us to escape death, hiding in the peripheral awareness of the vacuum and overcome our inevitable mortality? So that we may be love and be in love infinitely and immeasurably. We have been stretched across time and the universe and so we are universal.
In this truth we never need to fear release, we never need to fear losing what is most important to us and coming to this acceptance we have the power to hold on and to let go. The freedom to love is more precious than the appendages, flesh, fluid and nerve endings that make our body and being. In this freedom we gain the ability to travel.
I wonder these days if part of the human condition is suffering. That our suffering comes from an amnesia and a collective forgetfulness. How many times have we been recycled? Journeying through life can be lonely and devastating because of how fragmented, confusing and inconsistent our shared cohorts can be.
Yet still we wander around seeking one another, seeking one-ness, wholeness — trying to hold onto every sip of life and exquisite pinch of love for all of eternity. Ready to do it all over again when it is already so.
I could only imagine what we could gain from embracing ourselves as we already are. I’m understanding that this cycle will always end with death but it does not begin with death. It starts with life and is full of life and love. We can already thrive joyously in a contented existence infinitely.
Just like we asked for. If only we could remember.
